Hmmm. I'm thinking maybe I should get back to Xanga. I love the feedback I get from all you lovely people, and I really miss you guys! Myspace is awesome, but I can't write what I feel on there when my whole school is reading it. That's just weird. =/

Anywayyyyyy. Sorry for that little rant in the post before. It really felt like no one was willing to sit and just listen to me talk, which is what I needed most. So I took it out on Xanga. And reading it over again, I sound kind of like a selfish brat whining over something that's not even that important. Soooo. Sorry for that. But thanks for the comments I recieved...they really did help alot. =)

So. Today I was pretty busy. Work = boring. I worked from 9-1 so I could have a little down time before I had to go to open gym at 3:30. We worked on hitting the whole time...maybe I picked something up. Who knows? Then we had to go right from there to practice at 5. We hit beans. Maybe it'll be easier to hit a regular softball now. Hopefully, anyway. I've got a game tomorrow, so I guess we'll find out.

The Cubs lost. Maddux didn't do so well. And we got shut out. Looks like the Cubs are having a little trouble batting as well. =/ Too sad, too sad. Derrek Lee is back on the other hand. My dad was complaining about him striking out. That sucks, but I say give him time. We can't expect him to come back after 3 months or whatever and be amazing. Just give him time...he'll be back to where he was.

I'm taking Katie, who happens to be a Sox fan, to the Sox/Cubs game on Friday...I'm pretty pumped for it. I haven't been to a game in a while, and I'm really hoping it'll be a good game and that we win so I can shove it in her face! Plus, I feel like Katie and I are drifting a little. Like she's getting closer to Molly. And Molly is sooo mean to me lately. I don't know what's up with that...but I'm pretty much not liking it. I mean, they've always joked around with me and picked on me, but it was always in good fun and I got that. I don't have that feeling anymore. Soooo. I guess we'll see how that works out, also.

Alright, so. I normally don't write in this anymore. But things are getting ridiculous and I just can't continue to keep them inside anymore.

First of all, work. It's not like I hate it. It gets superrrrr boring, though. And I just don't want to do it. But I'm going to need money for gas and Lollapalooza tickets and anything else I may want. Soooo. I just put up with it. But I just feel like I'm not giving any time towards my friends. And it sucks. I miss everyone so much.

Second of all, softball. This is a big one. I have had softball every night for the past couple of weeks. Not actual softball, per say, but even things just related to softball. I either have a game, practice, open gym, or umping. I hate umping, but I only have to do it once more, so that's good. Open gym is okay. I've been twice. I did pretty bad the first time, and good the second time.

This is what is bothering me the most. My playing. I'm so fucking fed up with myself. I'm so god damn inconsistent. It makes me sick. I'll be real good one day, and horrible the next. And it's so, so, so, so important for me to do well because softball is what I do. It's the only thing. And I better be good at it. I hate it when I'm not good at something. I just do. And my batting this season has been horrendous. Like, I can't even explain. It's horrible. And I am getting SO frustrated. When I get a hit, it's completely lucky because then I'll strikeout again and again and then my self-esteem gets so low and I get so nervous when I go to bat and it's just a mess and I completely feel like I'm letting the team down.

I'm seriously so fucking tired of it.

I wish I had someone to talk to...as much as I hate to admit it, Amy just doesn't seem like she cares. Which is rightly so...I mean, she's not involved, so why should she care? And my mom just keeps talking and tells me to think postive and all that bullshit. I would love it if she'd just listen to me vent.

Softball's just so important to me and I want sooooooooo badly to do well. And I'm not. And I really don't have any control over it and I hate it. I love softball so much and the last thing I want to do is play when I completely suck at it.

And I don't really know what I'm trying to say. Well, I do, but I can't just come out and say it. I'm having trouble finding the right words and just expressing myself.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I always know what to do.

But this time I don't.

Jesus Christ, I'm so angry right now and all I want to do is punch something and cry. I've come close to crying twice in the past 48 hours. I never cry, so it's a big deal.

I just keep repeating myself, so this really isn't any use.

dsklfjsdlfjsdlkfjsdlfsdjkfskldjf.

Maybe I should just fucking go to bed. Everything seems better in the morning. Except this whole softball thing never seems to go away. I keep sucking and keep getting upset. It's like a vicious cycle and I'm pretty sure I'm going to shoot myself before the season's over because I am getting so fucking tired of it.

P.S. - I cannot stand my family. I want to punch each and every one of them in the face. Why can't they just sit and listen to me and help me through everything? Isn't that what they're there for?

Whatever. Fuck them all.

Fuck everything ever.

So...let's see. What have we missed? Well, on Sunday, Rich came over for dinner with the parents, which was a biggg success. I was pretty nervous, you know, but my mom was asking questions and keeping the conversation going and Rich was being super polite and cute, so yeah. I was happy about that. Then we hung out on the trampoline for a while and talked...I pretty much loved it. Just as I love that boy.

So anyway. Monday was a little hectic...I went to Siobhan's, Jess's, and Amy's choir concert and it was greattttt, of course. Rich went too, so that's always a plus. Then I "studied" for my chemistry test...that didn't work out too well...=/

Tuesday I had that chemistry test. It wasn't that hard, even though I didn't study. Heck yes, that's the way I like them. But yeah, I definitely think I got an A. Yayyy. We had a game...and I don't even want to talk about it. We lost 21-0. Yes, 21-0. In 5 innings. No, I'm not joking. I didn't do badly...I batted twice - I grounded out and got walked. But yes. That was quite depressing. Then I watched the lovely Cubs game that we wonnnn. Yay, go Marshall! He pitched a really good game. It was so nice to just be able to sit and watch the game, you know? No homework or anything. Heck yes. Hopefully that's what this summer will be like...

Today we had this Watson-Glaser critical thinking test or something...it was RIDICULOUS and I have NO idea why we had to take it...it was useless...but it got me out of English and chemistry, so that's a plus. Pretty much every other class was a study hall because the morning was all messed up and we're not coming to school tomorrow because we have a field trip to go see the Julius Caesar play. Hopefully that's good. And if not...well, I got out of school for it! Also, no softball practice today. I have no idea why. But I was pretty excited. I went tanning real quick after school and then I rushed home and watched the end of the Cubs game...which ended up badly. I hear Guzman pitched kind of decently (some control problems...), but Williamson walked like 3 guys and Florida ended up scoring 3 in like the 8th. Then we got some guys on and Murton had a 2-run single to put us one run behind (YEAHHHH BOY!), but Eyre walked a guy and they put some hits out there and they got another run and we ended up losing 7-5. That pretty much sucks since we had that comeback and everything, but I guess I'm happy with taking 2 out of 3 from them. I'm SO excited to go to the game on Sunday...it's going to be a BLAST! =D

Anywayyyyyy. As I said, we have the field trip tomorrow, and a game...I'm not really looking forward to the game, but hopefully my team can freaking PICK IT UP and maybe we'll be able to win one...=/

Go Cubbiessssssssss. =]